Episode 1: The Indigestible Wad

In the beginning, it's Thursday morning and you're 10 years old, eagerly awaiting with your little sister what's about to appear on the screen next. You're hot off of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles episode and you think "It just don't get no better than this". The show begins. A flag waves. It's the Canadian flag - a bad omen for sure, but, you've been wrong before. The show plays. Your life is changed irrevocably.

What you see before your innocent 10 year old eyes was the most depraved, monstrous creation ever put in front of the eyes of any living human being, let alone a child. Pulsating muscles, writhing intestines, forbidden imagery, carnal gnashing of teeth and bone, fart jokes, and complete and utter depravity. Your skin grows cold, your hair begins to perk up. Your tongue grows rigid and stiff with the friends on screen. You're frozen in fear as you watch what's unfolding. Your legs begin to quake and your eyes glaze over as the tearing begins. It, whatever it is, rips first your eyes, then your heart, what's left of your broken mind, and then, finally, your very soul.

"This can't be happening" you hear a voice say, perhaps your own.

"Surely this can't be real? How could the nation you've grown up to love and live in create something so horrible? Something so disgusting? So evil?"

You scream, but only a ripping sound comes out. You look down at your hands, but within them is not the TV remote that was there before, but only a pulsating, writhing wad. You feel the primal urge to eat it. You try and stop yourself, but your hand has a mind of its own. The wad slides in and you see it.

You see the rip through all things, the great tear through reality.

Nothing makes sense any more.

You are nothing more than an object to rip and be ripped. You are only a friend.

You come to in a sweat. The show is over and Being Ian plays on the channel. Your mind and your senses return all at once, ripped from the void. You realize your sister has been out of the room for quite some time. She enters carelessly and asks what you were watching. She must be enlightened, or too foolish to comprehend the vision. You look at her as your eyes turn black. You say the only thing you know how to say, the only thing you've ever known,

"It's RIPPING TIME!"