Episode 87: Karl Skid-Marx Slides In

A spectre is haunting Ripcot - the spectre of circumcision. All the powers of venerable Ripcot have entered into a holy alliance to purge this spectre - Rip and Chunk, Crag and Jimmy, the foulness of He-Mom and the vegans of Arnold Palmer. Where is the persecuted Brother who has not been accused of being circumcised? When has this Brother not unleashed this branding reproach on his more advanced brothers, and his reactionary adversaries?

From this, we learn two facts: To this end, I (Karl Skid-Marx) have drafted the following manifesto, to be translated into French, German, Italian, Polish, Russian, Arabic, Cantonese, Cree, and Dutch.
 * 1) Circumcision is already a power acknowledged by all other powers of Ripcot.
 * 2) The Ripping Friends are fucking braindead.

The history of the Ripping Friends is the history of scumfuck sculduggery and highly dubious legal proceedings. He-Mom was acquitted from (definitely) burning down an elementary school, in which fourteen children burned alive. The case dragged out for months, and despite considerable evidence to its guilt, He-Mom was declared unanimously innocent by a jury composed of ragamuffins paid generous sums of black market investment for their complicit compromisal of the legal system. This was a full decade before the muscle-bound troglodytes we call The Ripping Friends sprung into our rapidly withering world.

So far as I (Karl Skid-Marx) am aware, the first crime against humanity perpetrated by the bastards was the so-called Cincinnati Surprise, the details of which I (Karl Skid-Marx) won't relate for consideration of the reader's subtle sensibilities. From this, however, no charges were pressed, and the demonic tendencies were not merely uninhibited, but enhanced by this prosperous first exercise.

They wouldn't wait long before their next crime. For this, usually named the Cleveland Steamer, they were taken to court, but after a series of bureaucratic aberrancies, they were let off with a small fine, which as near as I (Karl Skid-Marx) can discern, has never been paid.

The family's first significant sentence was after He-Mom's fourth genocide, an event so horrific that the jury could not be bought off with the usual bribes. Life in prison for our horror of horrors was the charged result. Two-hundred days in a high-security of prison before it was mysteriously ripped in half - an act that ensured all inmates were enable to escape - was the actual result.

The Polish excursions of Rip need no further elaboration, and yet again, despite ample evidence laid bare before the Court of Human Rights, he was acquitted. We find nigh identical results from dozens of sundry atrocities. The tactic is invariably the same - bribe the jury, tie the evidence up in a convoluted web of bureaucratic red-tape, and (if need be) murder the judge surreptitiously. This tactic has worked for years to allow more or less legally the world to be plagued again and again by the vilest horrors of these vilest, foulest creatures of Sin.